The Space Between Stimulus And Response

Photo by Edge2Edge Media on Unsplash

One of the hardest things for me, and for any of us I suppose, is to be thoughtful in that space between stimulus and response. I’m referring, of course, to Victor Frankl’s observation that:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”

It’s one of those things that we conceptually agree on but, to practice it is really, really hard.

Because the stimulus may well evoke specific emotions, ideas and baggage. It might touch on hot buttons that force a reaction before we even have a chance to think. There’s a short term emotional satisfaction to this, that, more often than not, isn’t helpful in the medium to long term. 

Because emotional reactions don’t typically make for sound decision making. And by then, it’s too late. We’ve said or done what we shouldn’t have.

The alternative is to exist in that space, and think and assess before we react. More to the point:

Pause. Just don’t react. Take a few moments (and if it’s an email, perhaps a few hours or a day) before you take action. 

Observe yourself ‘feeling’. In that pause, observe your emotions. Pay attention to what it is. Have I been insulted or is the individual making a practical point?  

Understand what those emotions are. Is it something to do with us? Jealousy? FOMO? Insecurity of some kind?

Don’t judge. Above all, don’t judge. Don’t make presumptions about the other person or yourself, what the intentions are, etc. See it for what it is.

Determine which beliefs they are tied to. Understand the underlying basis of your initial reaction - which beliefs does it violate? Which does it confirm? 

It’s kind of like a jigsaw. We are, in that space, putting puzzle pieces together to understand what the true picture is. And the more we pause and reflect and think, the better our ultimate response and the better the end result. 

Of course, there’s another by-product, which is a much better understanding of ourselves, which is what allows us to develop. That’s the final part of Frankl’s quote:

“In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This, in my mind, is the real lesson.